Sunday, November 30, 2008

everyone who is having fun

everyone who is having fun right now
kiss my ass

Sunday, October 19, 2008

the grey goose

we sit, naked
on top of my covers
drinking the Grey Goose we stole
straight from the bottle
it is two in the morning
we are reading politics blogs

you like to say
that we are neither of us beautiful
I say
we both are

Monday, October 13, 2008

Song to Bob Dylan

get the hell out of here, Bob Dylan
who invited you
you are blocking the tv

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

a tale of england

an enormous man walked into my store this morning
and made a show of scrutinizing
the pens, the calculators
this charade went on for ten minutes
at which point he was like
and I was like
lol who you fooling, fat man
you came in here with one thought in your head:
nacho cheese
At this he began to sob
into the round, pink folds of his face
so I kicked him in the ass
and told him not to come back
until he had made a life for himself
that less closely resembled that of a slug
Who should appear at that moment
but Theodore Roosevelt
riding atop his steed, to award me
the Presidential Medal of Amazing Freedom

to the cute girl in my ethics class

There's a terrible irony to be found
in the knowledge that your gentle beauty
inspires in me wicked, decadent thoughts

I would whisper the very worst of my obscenities
savor the taste as they slide down my tongue
and into your tiny ear

I would bury my face between your legs
and stay there
for a week, or a month
or the rest of my life

I would expose you
to every single one of my deformities
both physical, and otherwise

I would take you with me to church
so that I can, with God as my witness
nail you to the cross and fuck you on it

I would kill, one by one
with guns or a knife
or my own sweaty hands
every other fucked-up retard in this room
so that I am the only fucked-up retard left to talk to

I'm sorry sorry sorry
Sorry for thinking this
sorry for writing it down
sorry that I want to wait until your head is turned and
slide this poem
into your book bag

Saturday, September 13, 2008

wild looks

I can admit to myself
that your angst is sexier than my angst
bigger, more profound
but heavens, what a thing to be jealous of!
still, you don't have to whisper these secrets to yourself
in the dark
I understand both more and less than you think I do

I'm big enough to admit
that an event does not automatically carry more historical significance
because it took place on my birthday
but it certainly lights a fire beneath my own interest
You get a wild look in your eye
when you've been drinking
that starts to fade when you measure the distance
between what you want and what you can get
For my part, the distance lies between
what I wish I wanted and what I actually want
I want to hear everyone speaking
in my own voice
I want to see
wild looks
on every face

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Fuck off, Bobby
fuck your shit
why don't you EAT shit
eat garbage
eat your own bad ideas
eat whatever you find in the toilet
I'd like to see you try
to live off of your ideas
I'd like to see you in the toilet
I will never eat your ideas
I will never eat your DICK
I will never eat my LUNCH

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

the hungry faces

In a plastic classroom, I sat
staring into the hungry faces
of human beings
Uncomfortable, I turned to the wall
Someone had written a poem on it
it went like this:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

John McCain

I hope John McCain dies
on the campaign trail
I hope he shits himself to death

Sunday, July 27, 2008

what I think about in the shower

I'm sure I am dying
my head is going to explode
or my balls are rotting off, maybe
and they touch everything else
so it's all gonna go
I can't see a doctor
He will lay me in a white bed
with tubes in my veins
tubes down my throat
a tube up my knob
the very idea!
my poor veins

I don't like to think of anything going OUT of my veins
and I sure as FUCK
don't want anything going in!

a tube down my throat

what is that for
you didn't even ask me if I WANTED to keep breathing

a tube up my knob

Come now, Doctor.
Are we not both gentlemen?

and I will never allow you
to expose me to radiation
unless it is your intention to make me
an Incredible Fucking Hulk
no, not me, I can't
I will wither beneath those rays
I will become weak and impotent
would you take from me what little strength I have?
I refuse treatment
I will die like a man
oh god I am dying
what am I going to do
I am a little shit of a man
I won't have to go to work tomorrow
I won't have to have a future
I will have to decide who to take with me
to Walt Disney World
for my last hurrah
what if I invite people who don't like each other
will they pretend to get along for my sake
what if they tell me I should not drink alcohol in my condition
are you allowed to drink alcohol at Disney World?
fuck you I am dying I will drink what I want

Saturday, July 12, 2008


all of my friends are gone
and I've used up my best ideas
the election has become boring
and I'm tired of prizefighting
there's no one I want in my bed
and nothing I want in my mouth
there's never anything to eat around here

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Josh Fugate's plea to everyone that he loves

if I should ever become
I beg you
try to remember me as I was

summer stroke

I can come in from the heat
and feel the difference in the air
and I am in a house I was in
when I was a kid
this happened in less than one second
I didn't try
Pretty good, right?

I can walk
I can walk without looking down at my feet
I can hear a sound
I can hear it and I can look in the direction that the sound came from
I can do that without even trying
So what.
A dog can do that.
So what.
Well, dogs are smart
Dogs are smart
I am repeating myself
Did I used to repeat myself?
I can't remember what I used to do

Monday, May 19, 2008

Josh, I think you've had enough to drink



Sunday, May 18, 2008


Once again
you'd gotten me stinking drunk
and then left me on my own
and when I politely asked you
to stop being a dick all the time
you told me to stop acting like
a damn little girl

Well, that is some fucking NERVE on you.
How DARE you?
at least a little girl has got
What have you got?
Let's see:

You've got a big nose
you've got a pig's trough filled with
some slang you picked up from me
(that you constantly misuse)
a cunt that bleeds every day
of course, you've got your meager talents
a one-way ticket to San Francisco
that you've mortgaged your family for

oh, to start a new life in
no one has ever been miserable in
I left my heart in
let's get AIDS in
there is a great big bridge in
let's push each other off of it!

Monday, May 5, 2008


The meat is slimy
the bread is stale
and everyone who works there
has AIDS

Monday, April 28, 2008

I must become a student of



I must learn to be more confident
she said
maybe if I just like
beat someone's ass
I'd be a big shot
admired by the hungry news media
hungry for a STAR
a fierce badass
running rampant
but doing good deeds
an incredible hulk
America must never surrender
to her enemies


every time I take you out
you jump and shake
in your lumpy body
one size too big
sometimes you like to call me
it is a fun time, calling someone
I do it too
and of course it is you, my friend
who a woman has never
sincerely loved

Saturday, April 19, 2008



Sunday, April 13, 2008

Josh Fugate's Prayer

You have my word, dear God
you need only make me
and slightly more handsome
and I will dress up each day
in a finely tailored suit
I will devote an hour
each morning
to searching out the wisdom
in your teachings
It will be your name on my lips
my Lord
and out into the air
as I fuck every Scarlett Johannson
you send to me

Josh Fugate's Sexual Fantasy

You, under the covers
in a candle-lit bedroom
a book lies open
on the nightstand
a collection of my most famous quotations
you finger yourself, thoughtfully

Sunday, March 30, 2008


fetal alcohol syndrome is not an art movement

Saturday, March 29, 2008

a dream

i had to walk a long way
on a road near the beach
a woman asked me
what was wrong with my eye
i said a bug had sneaked in
i looked in the mirror
i was cross-eyed
and the iris looked like an exploded sun
i thought, maybe it will get better
if i keep walking
maybe my feet will get tougher

finally i arrived
everyone i knew was so drunk
another, larger eye had formed
in between the good one and
the deformity
but they paid no mind

I can kick my own ass

thank you very much

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


When it comes down to it, I will take someone wearing an Iron Maiden shirt over someone who isn't. I mean, at least they are interested in SOMETHING.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

two haiku about Peeps


now is the hour
to reclaim your dignity
marshmallow chicken


I feel no shame, friend
as my teeth remove your head
but - what of honor?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

how obligation is born

suddenly you are told of some bullshit cousin named Rachel Honeydoo who's got to be minded until such a time as a man can be found who don't object to gently crossed eyes and thick black hairs that spring from upper lips

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


there are those among us so meager as to have never worn a hat