a tale of england

an enormous man walked into my store this morning
and made a show of scrutinizing
the pens, the calculators
this charade went on for ten minutes
at which point he was like
OH LOOK, YOU HAVE SNACKS
MIGHT AS WELL GET SOME COMBOS
WHILE I'M HERE
and I was like
lol who you fooling, fat man
you came in here with one thought in your head:
nacho cheese
At this he began to sob
into the round, pink folds of his face
so I kicked him in the ass
and told him not to come back
until he had made a life for himself
that less closely resembled that of a slug
Who should appear at that moment
but Theodore Roosevelt
riding atop his steed, to award me
the Presidential Medal of Amazing Freedom

to the cute girl in my ethics class

There's a terrible irony to be found
in the knowledge that your gentle beauty
inspires in me wicked, decadent thoughts

I would whisper the very worst of my obscenities
savor the taste as they slide down my tongue
and into your tiny ear

I would bury my face between your legs
and stay there
for a week, or a month
or the rest of my life

I would expose you
to every single one of my deformities
both physical, and otherwise

I would take you with me to church
so that I can, with God as my witness
nail you to the cross and fuck you on it

I would kill, one by one
with guns or a knife
or my own sweaty hands
every other fucked-up retard in this room
so that I am the only fucked-up retard left to talk to

I'm sorry sorry sorry
Sorry for thinking this
sorry for writing it down
sorry that I want to wait until your head is turned and
slide this poem
into your book bag

wild looks

1.
I can admit to myself
that your angst is sexier than my angst
bigger, more profound
but heavens, what a thing to be jealous of!
still, you don't have to whisper these secrets to yourself
in the dark
I understand both more and less than you think I do

2.
I'm big enough to admit
that an event does not automatically carry more historical significance
because it took place on my birthday
but it certainly lights a fire beneath my own interest
You get a wild look in your eye
when you've been drinking
that starts to fade when you measure the distance
between what you want and what you can get
For my part, the distance lies between
what I wish I wanted and what I actually want
I want to hear everyone speaking
in my own voice
I want to see
wild looks
on every face

Bobby

Fuck off, Bobby
fuck your shit
why don't you EAT shit
eat garbage
eat your own bad ideas
eat whatever you find in the toilet
I'd like to see you try
to live off of your ideas
I'd like to see you in the toilet
I will never eat your ideas
I will never eat your DICK
I will never eat my LUNCH
FUCK YOU BOBBY

the hungry faces

In a plastic classroom, I sat
staring into the hungry faces
of human beings
Uncomfortable, I turned to the wall
Someone had written a poem on it
it went like this:
"Penis"